Mother's Day Musing ft. Mum

There are a lot of generic feel good adjectives I could describe my mum as, such as caring, kind, generous, but that seemed too basic. That's not the Miss Kooky way.

Instead I wanted to REALLY get to know my mum. We are close of course. But I needed to delve deep into the mind of my mother. Ask her questions that none of my siblings had asked. Subsequently we would laugh, cry, and then she would accidentally let it slip that I am her favourite child. It would be a real bonding experience.

To be honest I didn't know where to begin. I scoured the internet, reading articles on the best questions to ask your parents before it's too late. A tad depressing but helpful nonetheless. 

I was eager to to get started. But then my brain decided to put on it's activewear, run wild and kick my thoughts into overthink. It dawned on me that I hate talking about myself (it's a work in progress). I have been described as being very private on multiple occasions. So maybe my mum will hate this? Surely she will relish the opportunity to talk about her past and what makes her tick. She is the youngest of five kids and she never gets a word in with her siblings, so this is her time to shine.

Let the musing begin...

When did you lose your virginity and to whom?

Mum: I am not saying! No comment. 

I probably started off a bit strong there. 

What's the most trouble you have ever gotten in to?

Mum: Sigh. 

Miss Kooky: I'm assuming that sigh means you have never got into any trouble. 

Mum: Oh I don't know, a speeding ticket. 

This is going super well. I'm learning a lot. Number one, my mum is not a talker. Number two, I was right, my mum is hating this. 

Was there something your parents did when you were a kid that you swore you’d never do yourself?

Silence. She stares into the distance hoping for inspiration.

MK: Looking for an answer out there? I can think of a hundred things that I would never do, that you did.

M: Like what!

MK: I might not take my kids to Church.

M: Well my mum was overly religious.

MK: And you're not? You go to church every Sunday.

M: Not to the extent she did, she went everyday.

MK: So you never had any conflicting values with your parents?

M: They didn’t open up. They were a bit Victorian.

MK: Would you say hard to talk then? If you had a problem who would you go to?

M: Neither. My dad was very quiet. My mum was judgemental. But that was the way they were in those days. As you get older, you understand them more and realise that was the time.

MK: At the time, did you find it frustrating?

M: Never thought much of it, cause I went my own way.

MK: You don’t have any strong opinions do you?

M: No, not really. I live in the present, you can’t live in the past.

How many serious relationships were you in before you settled down? What were they like?

M: None. I didn’t have any serious relationships. That’s all a bit personal. I don’t think you need to put that out for the world to see.

MK: You went on a couple of dates.

M: Yes of course. I dated a guy for a while.

MK: For a while? How long is a while?

M: All through university.

MK: That is a serious relationship!

At this point mum kicks up a fuss. She gets all flustered and concerned about the consequences of strangers reading this. But she just mentioned that she lives in the “present”.

MK: Live in the present mum. Don’t worry about the future and the past.

Who were/are your role models? Who did you look up to when you were younger? Who do you look up to now?

M: Oh no.

MK: You didn't have any role models did you?

M: No, I don’t really I suppose. I haven’t wanted to be like anyone. I just wanted to be myself.

Ignoring the very cute response. Like a true Tova O’Brien I push the question time and time again, asking it differently, achieving the same result with a level of annoyance.

MK: No ones inspired you?

M: No, guess not.

MK: No role models now?

M: No.

MK: Don’t look up to anyone now?

M: No.

When did you know that you were ready to get married?

M: I don’t know. You just know. Person comes along and bing bong!

MK: Was there a moment when you were with dad and were you like, yep, he’s the one, I’m going to marry him.

M: No.

When did you know you were ready to have kids?

M: When it happened.

What was your wedding day like?

M: Wet.

MK: That’s it?

M: Um. Well…you remember?

MK: I wasn’t alive!

All the resistance and the "no’s" are not surprising. My mum’s horrible memory, is of course partly due to having five kids. I am sure it was just chaos and the days blur into one. But the fact that she thought I was at her wedding, even though I am the youngest and wasn’t born till 12 years after that event, is a bit of a worry.

What was the moment I frustrated you most when I was growing up?

M: Getting your hair dyed.

MK: That’s only because I have just talked about moving my hair appointment today. It’s fresh in your mind.

M: No I have always said that. 'Ugh she dyed her hair.'

Did my mum just UGH at me? What is happening right now. After all this time she still can’t accept me as a blonde.

What were the 3 best decisions you ever made?

She stares into the distance once again. I guess it isn’t helping that I am intensely glaring at her behind my laptop, trying to be patient while she hums and has. She really doesn’t cope well under pressure.

M: Have I got one? At all?

MK: Nope, you still have said nothing. How about we go back to this question?

M: Ooo! I know! Getting a lawn mowing man. And probably getting rid of the pool. Imagine the pool now, it would have as green as can be. And learning to drive. It’s taken me everywhere. My mother didn’t get her licence till she was 50. My Aunty didn’t even learn. If I lost my car I would be so upset. Oh and sea sickness pills, I wish I knew about them when I was younger.

She really was on a roll. I laugh. Not exactly the poignant answer I was looking for. This is classic mother material. I don’t know what I was expecting, my mum can’t change who she is just for this shambles of an interview.

What would your perfect day be like? Describe it.

Instantly she knows. She has this glee in her eyes. She has been waiting for an “easy” question to answer. This has definitely been the most excited I have seen her since we started this….whatever this is.

M: Oooo! I would lounge in bed, have a coffee, muffin or cake, do my crossword. Sit in front of the fire and be in jammies all day long.

MK: So basically what you have been doing for the past seven weeks. Your perfect day is being in lockdown.

M: I guess so. Yes.

Just when I thought hope was all lost. Mother dearest actually had some sound advice.

What do you think the world needs more of right now?

M: Kindness. I think this lockdown has accentuated how before, no one cared about anyone else. The world was going far too fast. We have slowed down and slowing down has been good.

What 3 words represented your approach to parenting and why?

M: Patience, children are very trying. Put yourself last because they always need you and “This too will pass.”- quoted by St Julian of Norwich.

What do you want or wish most for your kids?

M: To be happy, safe and kind to each other. Because one day I won’t be here and they will only have each other.

What message would you like to share with your family?

M: Oh dear. I thought I answered that before? It sounds like something coming from beyond the grave.

Yes, I agree. She kind of had already answered this above. But I will still push the question. Oh no, I am turning into Tova O-Brien!

M: I love my little children. Because once I am gone, there will be no one. Don’t forget to come visit me. Clean my headstone. Take up genealogy, so it continues. Finish off where I got stuck. Oh I know. Have faith in God. You haven’t asked me any questions to do with God!

MK:….. Any who I think that’s all we have time for today. FYI Mum! I have given you every opportunity to bring God into the conversation. 

Not that there is a right or wrong way to answer these questions. I just thought my mum might have something more profound to say. But I have learnt and what she keeps on reminding me is that she is a thinker. She can’t answer questions “off the cuff, I need to cogitate”. I didn’t want her to have time to think about the answers. I wanted a raw, honest, unfiltered response. I guess I got it, but in a different way.

I realise my mum grew up in a simpler time so to speak. Her parents were “Victorian” and didn’t talk much about their personal feelings. The way my mum sees her upbringing and the world is completely different to how I see mine. I have a more emotional attachment to my memories and hers are more pragmatic. She felt no pressure to be successful, to have it all sorted out or to compromise her values. “I never wanted to be anyone else but me.” She’s stubborn, passionate but strangely manages to not hold any opinions.

As a result she never held a grudge, she bounced back from hardship and personal struggles like a boss, she never pressured us to do anything. If I wanted to do wear some crazy outfit, she wouldn’t judge me. But God forbid trying to move the modem upstairs for better Internet connection was something that really tested her.

This proves what I already knew; she’s a strong, powerful mother, who just got on with it. Anything that life threw at her, she would push through it. Yes, she does not like to talk and is very annoyingly private (I can relate to that). However, what my mum has taught me is that, it’s more worthwhile to just simply live in the present and be kind to one another. At the end of the day, we only have each other.